Just Once [warning: depressing post]

Just once, I wish someone else would get behind the camera. It's fun looking back at all the pictures I take, but depressing when I see I'm not in any of them.

Just once I wish someone else else would wake up early with the baby, so I could sleep in.

Just once I wish someone besides my own kids and friends would compliment me.

Just once I wish I could come home to a clean house.

Just once I wish someone would ask to take me out, and not always to a restaurant with a ball game on in the background.

Just once I wish someone else would pack the kids' lunches.

Just once I want to be noticed. Cant someone see I'm not feeling like myself?

I'm running faster than I have strength. 

I can't do it all. Im tired of doing it all. 

Sometimes I feel so alone.

In the Details of our LIves

I have been so humbled and grateful for the ways God has let me know that he is aware of me and my needs lately. I need to remember these blessings and miracles. There are several that have happened in the last few weeks:

1. 2022 has been a tough year with the economy. Inflated gas prices and groceries have really put a belt around our budget. We have made lots of tweaks to how we do things in order to stay within our means. So when we got word that Jacey needed hearing aids--roughly $5,000 worth, I was a little deflated. Our audiologist encouraged us to apply for some grants, which I did. A few weeks later, I learned that between our insurance and the grant we were approved for, we were covered 100%. I literally fell on my knees and start bawling as I read the approval email. 

2. Taylor plays competitive softball, and along with that comes a lot of fees (uniforms, equipment, gas, hotel, etc). Her club offers a fundraiser to help offset the club fees, and Taylor has diligently gone around to homes in our neighborhood to see if they wanted to purchase potatoes. This kid has sold almost 40 bags--covering almost all of her club fees! She's a hard worker, and I'm so grateful for her pitching in.

3. The kids love to ride bikes, but they don't exactly love putting them away where they belong. One day Jacey placed her bike where the garage door closes, and the garage door sensor didn't catch it and kept pushing down on it. It ended up bending one of our door panels. We had people come out to give us quotes on the price to fix it, and they quoted us between $1000-$1500! YIKES! Matt said he couldn't fix it, but after a lot of encouragement from me telling him how he can fix ANYTHING, he did it. It is such a blessing to be married to someone who works so hard and has a mind like his--that can take anything apart, analyze how it works, and then perfect it. 

4. I had prayed to ask Heavenly Father to help me be aware of ways I could be more frugal (mind you, I'm already a pretty frugal person....) I stopped following certain accounts on social media that encouraged me to buy things I thought we needed (and they were great deals, too!) Anyway, I decided to apply for HEAT assistance and ended up getting approved for about $750 to be credited toward our gas utility bill. Inside the approval letter was another application for the Salvation Army Utility Assistance. I figured, why not? So I applied for that as well and was awarded an additional $300 to our gas bill for the year!

I realize that all of these experiences have to do with money. And no, I dont expect God to bail me out of all of our financial distresses that come along our way. Nor am I saying that if you want more money, ask God. That's not what I had prayed for. He knew the intents of my heart, and how I desired to find ways I could be better. 

These little miracles really blessed our family and made me see His hand in my life. He is truly in the details. I know that He loves me and is aware of me and my struggles. Could we have paid for the garage door and hearing aids? Yes, we always tuck some money away into savings each month. We were prepared for the worst. But it's so comforting to feel that burden lifted. 

Balance

I feel like there should be more than 24 hours in A-day, yet somehow at night when it's time for bed I'm thankful there are only 24 hours because I'm so tired. 

 I don't know if it's my old age of 37 or the fact that I have 5 kids, but there just never seems to be enough time to do everything I want to do.

And when night time comes and I sneak into my kids bedrooms and watch them sleep, I can't help but feel a little guilt and remorse over not doing enough with them throughout the day. Each night I make a new commitment to be better, but it seems like every day is the same thing.

The key is finding the right balance. The right balance with spending quality time with my kids, the right balance with ministering ministering to those around me and serving in my church calling, the right balance to giving enough time to myself (for exercise, social time,  and mental/ spiritual enhancement),  the right balance to supporting my husband, the right balance to keeping my home in order, etc. The list goes on and on. 

 I've tried cutting back on certain things (shorter workouts, not going to the gym, seeing a time limit on my phone, unfollowing a bunch of accounts on Instagram, etc). I've tried prioritizing my time and beng more efficient with my work. This have improved.  But when you're like me and have a perfectionist mentality, it gets a little tricky to feel successful.

 Why is it that I measure my success and my worth over how much I accomplish in a day?  Why is it so hard for me to  Just sit back and enjoy life? Why do I have to be a busy body? Why can I not focus on a task if my surroundings are messy?

Finding a good balance is hard. 

Brats with a capital B

I was mindlessly scrolling on FB the other night and came across a friend's post who was journaling. She listed the reasons why she does it, and I realized that's why I like to write. I wish I could handwrite my thoughts, but my hand hurts after only a few minutes, my handwriting gets sloppy, and then I dont put everything down I had planned on. This is why I blog here. It's therapeutic for me, and I feel like I can express my sincere opinions without compromising friendships or feeling judged. (Plus, there's spelling corrections haha)

Last night our family drove to Salem (2 hours away) for my sister in law's birthday party. My kids were so excited to go see their cousins, especially considering we dont get to see them often. But after we returned home late last night, I couldn't help but feel like we should have never gone at all. Let me explain:

My kids have cousins their ages who they admire and want to play with. They get so excited to see them, yet the last several times we've been down to visit, my kids get completely ignored. I firsthand witnessed Jacey attempt to wave and say hello to Kate (Paul's daughter) to no avail. I kid you not, Kate looked the other way, ignored her, and walked away. As a parent, I was FUMING mad at Kate, all while heartbroken for my sensitive Jacey. The only time that Kate paid any attention to Jacey at all, was when Jacey had JJ and Kate wanted to hold him. Yet when Hayley (Mike's kid) came, they ran off playing together, all while still ignoring Jacey.

Taylor and Cam experienced the same problems. Multiple times Cam tried talking to Jack and Drew (Pauls' kid) only to experience the same thing. Then there's Abby--who walked around with her friend the whole time and didn't even look at Taylor. 

I'm just going to say it straight out right here. My nieces and nephews are BRATS. If I ever saw my kid do that to someone else, I'd discipline them. 

When we have family come and visit, I tell my kids they're not allowed to have friends over so they can give all their attention and focus to their cousins. Am I wrong in doing this? Am I justified in being angry? 

The whole 2 hour drive home last night I kept replaying in my head how my kids were treated, which only made me madder. Do I say something to their parents, or just let it be? How long do you watch your kids' hearts be broken? At what point do we stop driving down to family events because of how they'll be treated?

If this was a one-time experience, I probably would let it slide. But we've seen these families 3 other times this summer, and the same thing happened every time. We attended Drew's baptism in April, Paul's cabin in July, and Daniel's farewell a couple weeks ago. Same thing happened.

every.

single.

time.

It took all my strength I could muster to not say anything to those bratty kids' faces, and even more strength to refrain from smacking them up the head. 

I know that's not Christlike at all. But neither is ignoring your cousins.

God's Hand

A couple months ago Matt went to Hawaiii to work with his brother, Buzz. (This inflation has hit us pretty hard, and we're a little tight on money). Anyway, the first day he was gone I did something stupid--I hit someone with my car.

I was picking up Taylor's carpool from softball and pulled in front of a car with my van door open. I forgot how much the door stuck out and knicked the tire of the jeep I hit, but my van door was stuck open. Fortunately there wasn't much physical damage on either car. I think the biggest damage, was to my ego. haha.

The whole drive home i was praying that no cops would see me driving with kids in the back and the door wide open. Then as we turned on our street, I saw the Brailsfords outside. I felt an impression to pull over and ask for their help. I was super antsy as I needed to get Cam to his baseball game. George tried, but couldn't do anything, so I came home. Deflated.

As I frantically tried to figure things out, I called my parents and asked for their help to get Cam to his baseball game. They came right over. I wasn't able to go, so I sent my 8 year old son out to his game with big alligator tears welled up in his eyes.

The mom guilt officially struck, but I couldn't do anything about it. I brushed it aside and tried calling my best friend, Calley. She wasn't home. 

As my thoughts began to consumer me of how much money we'd have to fork over for the van, how was I going to get Taylor to her softball tournament in Brigham City that next day, and why was I such a fool for getting too close to the jeep...I pondered on who I could call in the neighborhood. 

My next door neighbor, Ryan Leonhardt, came to mind. I messaged him and his wife. After explaining the situation, Ryan quickly suggested Shawn Carlson from our ward. He called me up and came over less than 10 minutes later. 

Shawn and Ryan were able to jimmy the van door shut after almost 2 hours. It wasn't workable, but it was closed. I counted my blessings. 

At the end of the night, I sat down to tell my kids all ways we had seen God's hand that day, even amidst the trial we were facing.

1. The Brailsfords offered me their truck to use

2. Ashley Green offered to drop me off at the mechanic's shop if I needed

3. Calley allowed me to vent and cry

4. My parents had taken Cam to his game and brought him back safely. 

5. Ryan and Shawn had successfully closed my door

6. Matt is patient and laughed off my accident. In fact, his exact response was, "What? You decided you didn't want a van after all? ;)" 

God was aware of me and my needs. I can't thank him enough for the many angels he has surrounded me with to lift me up and support me during my times of need. God is real. God is good. God is aware. 

Bouncin' Back

Today after church I saw an old friend from the ward that I hadn't seen in a while. She commented, "Wow! You look amazing! I never bounced back like that after having a baby." I politely smiled and thought to myself, "I dont bounce back. This has taken months of working out hard every day and watching what I'm eating, and I STILL have a ways to go."

It got me thinking about how we often look at other people and think how easy they have it in life, but we also fail to see all the "behind-the-scenes" effort they're putting into it. In relation to the gospel, sometimes we look at someone and think, "Man! Her testimony is so strong!" or "Wow! She has it so easy" or "Her lessons are always so incredible, she's a natural teacher." 

How did her testimony get so strong? She's obviously worked on it. She's cultivated and nourished it. She's fed herself spiritually daily and practiced faith.

Does she really have it so easy? Or has she experienced trials and heartache that have helped her be happy and grateful in life? She's likely more patient and empathetic because of her hardships.

Is she really a natural teacher? Or has she spent hours and hours reading, studying, pondering, and praying on how to share the message with her class?

Before we jump to conclusions about how easy some people have it, let's take a step back and:

1. Be happy for her.

2. Dont compare your weaknesses to her strengths.

3. Be grateful God has placed a person like that in your life. You're likely to learn a lot from her.

The Bike

Yesterday morning my kids were standing outside with some friends waiting for the bus to arrive. One of the boys, Levi (a first grader), looked down at our lawn and said, "Hey that's my bike! Why is it here?" (He left it at our house the other day, and only lives a few houses down the street.) He shrugged it off and they got on the bus. The bike remained there.

Then this morning the same kids were outside waiting for the bus. Levi (the owner of the bike), looked down again and said, "Hey! Why is my bike still here?"

I asked him, "Did you ever take it back home?"

He responded, "No."

I would have responded with, "Then why would you expect it to have returned to your home when you failed to do anything about it?" But I didn't. He's only 6 after all. 

But it got me thinking. How often do we have dreams, aspirations, or goals that we want, but fail to do anything about? Do we have a goal to get into shape, but fail to eat healthy and exercise? Do we want to have a spiritually strong family, but fail to live the gospel ourselves or teach our children from the Come Follow Me manual? Do we wish for our relationships to improve, but we remain in our comfort zones playing absent-mindedly on our smartphones, ignoring the very faces we love the most sitting right in front of us? 

How often do we want something and expect a result, when we ourselves are unwilling to put in the work? We cannot assume, like Levi, that someone else is going to do it for us. 

As I pondered and reflected on this experience, I thought about how we cannot expect to make it to our Heavenly Father in the Celestial Kingdom without doing the work for it. We must keep the commandments, have charity and faith, stay on the covenant path, attend church, study on our own, attend the temple, minister, teach our family, etc. It's not complicated. It's in fact, very simple. But it takes constant, consistent daily effort.

Spiritual Muscles

The other day before Matt came home from work I needed to move the swingset and the trampoline for the kids. The last time I helped Matt move the trampoline, I remember it being really tricky for me since I had just had a baby 2 months prior and had lost a lot of muscle mass. But I was determined to do it on my own (or maybe I was just too impatient to wait). I lifted the swingset, and shimmied the tramp over just where I needed it. When Matt arrived, the kids were excited to tell him how strong I was. 

It got  me thinking:

The kids know I have been working out each day and eating to fuel my body to help me build muscle. They are excited for me, and I am, too. So while they see my physical strength, are they noticing my spiritual strength? 

I've made a goal to read the Book of Mormon again (1 chapter a day), and a General Conference talk each day, on top of my study of the Old Testament. Since doing this for three weeks, I've definitely noticed a difference in my spirituality. I feel better, and I recognize promptings better, too. 

Do I emphasize spirituality as much as I do physical health? I dont know, but it's something for me to ponder on and help me be better. 

Revelation through my Doctor

Isn't it funny how God uses people to answer our prayers? Yesterday I gained an answer, or at least some peace, with something that's been on my mind.

A few weeks ago I wrote on this blog about impressions from General Conference. Leading up to it, I had been praying to find my purpose. To be completely transparent, I had become so caught up in comparing myself to my friends and those around me who have careers or incredible hobbies. I felt like they were really living life and doing amazing at it, and what was I doing? Just taking care of kids, cleaning a house, and keeping our finances in order. It definitely didnt seem as glamorous as getting certified as a nutrition coach, traveling to Greece, or being promoted.

But yesterday I attended Jordan's 4 month checkup with Dr Goates. (A little background on this doctor--hes in our stake--actually, in our neighborhood. He recently served as the high councilor over primary until he got called as a YSA bishop and Matt replaced him. We have a good relationship and I love having him as our doc. The kids love him and are comfortable with him, too). When Dr Goates finished checking Jordan out, he asked about how I was doing (since he knew I had postpartum for several weeks after Jordan's birth...) I told him I was doing way better. He told me I looked happier and looked great. He then proceeded to tell me how important my job was as a mom. He said there isn't another job out there of more importance. He said if his wife could be the president of the United states or be a mom, he would hope she'd choose to be a stay at home mom. He proceeded to tell me how badly the youth need someone constant and steady in their lives--who is always home ready to listen or give advice. He shared with me a study his wife did when she was a yw president. The results found that the young women who struggled the most happened to be the ones without a stay at home mom, or ones who didnt get enough quality time with their parents.

His words were so comforting and reassuring to me. It was almost like God had told Dr Goates exactly how I had been feeling--unsure of myself and doubting what I was doing was good enough. I know Goates felt inspired to share those words with me. I know that every life has its stages, and I'm only on this one for so long. Soon my kids will all be grown, moved out, or want nothing to do with me. I'll be an empty nester before I know it, and I know I will regret it if I dont soak it all up now. I hope to cherish my time with them more-- to not wish for time to go by faster. Sometimes, parenting and momming it can be so hard. Some days I want to escape. But I also know I'm doing my best. I hope I'm not screwing my kids up 😂. 

I hope they know I have a testimony of those gospel. I hope they develop strong testimonies of their own and remain strong in the church. I hope my kids can be the answers to others' prayers. I hope my kids can find their purpose and fulfill their roles in gathering Israel. I hope they know they are loved by me and Matt, and by Heavenly parents. I hope my kids are kind, responsible, respectful, and hard workers. I hope I can remember this for myself. I am doing what I came here to do, and there's nothing else that compares to that kind of work. 

Avery

Last night after sending the kids upstairs to bed I felt to grab Avery and tell her how special she is. I told her she was so important to me and our family, and I'm so grateful shes in it. I told her how much I love being her mom, watching her dance, her dimples and big blue eyes, and how kind she is. I told her how I love being with her playing school and library, and hearing her laugh. I told her I love watching her learn and grow, her homemade cards and pictures she makes me, and her smile. As she looked at me with those piercing beautiful blue eyes, she began tearing up and gave me the biggest and sweetest hug. I'm not sure why I felt prompted to do this, or even if it made a difference, but I loved the feeling we enjoyed together. I held her in my lap for a few more minutes. It was a truly peaceful and joyful experience. I love this sweet angel Avery.