God's Hand

A couple months ago Matt went to Hawaiii to work with his brother, Buzz. (This inflation has hit us pretty hard, and we're a little tight on money). Anyway, the first day he was gone I did something stupid--I hit someone with my car.

I was picking up Taylor's carpool from softball and pulled in front of a car with my van door open. I forgot how much the door stuck out and knicked the tire of the jeep I hit, but my van door was stuck open. Fortunately there wasn't much physical damage on either car. I think the biggest damage, was to my ego. haha.

The whole drive home i was praying that no cops would see me driving with kids in the back and the door wide open. Then as we turned on our street, I saw the Brailsfords outside. I felt an impression to pull over and ask for their help. I was super antsy as I needed to get Cam to his baseball game. George tried, but couldn't do anything, so I came home. Deflated.

As I frantically tried to figure things out, I called my parents and asked for their help to get Cam to his baseball game. They came right over. I wasn't able to go, so I sent my 8 year old son out to his game with big alligator tears welled up in his eyes.

The mom guilt officially struck, but I couldn't do anything about it. I brushed it aside and tried calling my best friend, Calley. She wasn't home. 

As my thoughts began to consumer me of how much money we'd have to fork over for the van, how was I going to get Taylor to her softball tournament in Brigham City that next day, and why was I such a fool for getting too close to the jeep...I pondered on who I could call in the neighborhood. 

My next door neighbor, Ryan Leonhardt, came to mind. I messaged him and his wife. After explaining the situation, Ryan quickly suggested Shawn Carlson from our ward. He called me up and came over less than 10 minutes later. 

Shawn and Ryan were able to jimmy the van door shut after almost 2 hours. It wasn't workable, but it was closed. I counted my blessings. 

At the end of the night, I sat down to tell my kids all ways we had seen God's hand that day, even amidst the trial we were facing.

1. The Brailsfords offered me their truck to use

2. Ashley Green offered to drop me off at the mechanic's shop if I needed

3. Calley allowed me to vent and cry

4. My parents had taken Cam to his game and brought him back safely. 

5. Ryan and Shawn had successfully closed my door

6. Matt is patient and laughed off my accident. In fact, his exact response was, "What? You decided you didn't want a van after all? ;)" 

God was aware of me and my needs. I can't thank him enough for the many angels he has surrounded me with to lift me up and support me during my times of need. God is real. God is good. God is aware. 

Bouncin' Back

Today after church I saw an old friend from the ward that I hadn't seen in a while. She commented, "Wow! You look amazing! I never bounced back like that after having a baby." I politely smiled and thought to myself, "I dont bounce back. This has taken months of working out hard every day and watching what I'm eating, and I STILL have a ways to go."

It got me thinking about how we often look at other people and think how easy they have it in life, but we also fail to see all the "behind-the-scenes" effort they're putting into it. In relation to the gospel, sometimes we look at someone and think, "Man! Her testimony is so strong!" or "Wow! She has it so easy" or "Her lessons are always so incredible, she's a natural teacher." 

How did her testimony get so strong? She's obviously worked on it. She's cultivated and nourished it. She's fed herself spiritually daily and practiced faith.

Does she really have it so easy? Or has she experienced trials and heartache that have helped her be happy and grateful in life? She's likely more patient and empathetic because of her hardships.

Is she really a natural teacher? Or has she spent hours and hours reading, studying, pondering, and praying on how to share the message with her class?

Before we jump to conclusions about how easy some people have it, let's take a step back and:

1. Be happy for her.

2. Dont compare your weaknesses to her strengths.

3. Be grateful God has placed a person like that in your life. You're likely to learn a lot from her.

The Bike

Yesterday morning my kids were standing outside with some friends waiting for the bus to arrive. One of the boys, Levi (a first grader), looked down at our lawn and said, "Hey that's my bike! Why is it here?" (He left it at our house the other day, and only lives a few houses down the street.) He shrugged it off and they got on the bus. The bike remained there.

Then this morning the same kids were outside waiting for the bus. Levi (the owner of the bike), looked down again and said, "Hey! Why is my bike still here?"

I asked him, "Did you ever take it back home?"

He responded, "No."

I would have responded with, "Then why would you expect it to have returned to your home when you failed to do anything about it?" But I didn't. He's only 6 after all. 

But it got me thinking. How often do we have dreams, aspirations, or goals that we want, but fail to do anything about? Do we have a goal to get into shape, but fail to eat healthy and exercise? Do we want to have a spiritually strong family, but fail to live the gospel ourselves or teach our children from the Come Follow Me manual? Do we wish for our relationships to improve, but we remain in our comfort zones playing absent-mindedly on our smartphones, ignoring the very faces we love the most sitting right in front of us? 

How often do we want something and expect a result, when we ourselves are unwilling to put in the work? We cannot assume, like Levi, that someone else is going to do it for us. 

As I pondered and reflected on this experience, I thought about how we cannot expect to make it to our Heavenly Father in the Celestial Kingdom without doing the work for it. We must keep the commandments, have charity and faith, stay on the covenant path, attend church, study on our own, attend the temple, minister, teach our family, etc. It's not complicated. It's in fact, very simple. But it takes constant, consistent daily effort.

Spiritual Muscles

The other day before Matt came home from work I needed to move the swingset and the trampoline for the kids. The last time I helped Matt move the trampoline, I remember it being really tricky for me since I had just had a baby 2 months prior and had lost a lot of muscle mass. But I was determined to do it on my own (or maybe I was just too impatient to wait). I lifted the swingset, and shimmied the tramp over just where I needed it. When Matt arrived, the kids were excited to tell him how strong I was. 

It got  me thinking:

The kids know I have been working out each day and eating to fuel my body to help me build muscle. They are excited for me, and I am, too. So while they see my physical strength, are they noticing my spiritual strength? 

I've made a goal to read the Book of Mormon again (1 chapter a day), and a General Conference talk each day, on top of my study of the Old Testament. Since doing this for three weeks, I've definitely noticed a difference in my spirituality. I feel better, and I recognize promptings better, too. 

Do I emphasize spirituality as much as I do physical health? I dont know, but it's something for me to ponder on and help me be better. 

Revelation through my Doctor

Isn't it funny how God uses people to answer our prayers? Yesterday I gained an answer, or at least some peace, with something that's been on my mind.

A few weeks ago I wrote on this blog about impressions from General Conference. Leading up to it, I had been praying to find my purpose. To be completely transparent, I had become so caught up in comparing myself to my friends and those around me who have careers or incredible hobbies. I felt like they were really living life and doing amazing at it, and what was I doing? Just taking care of kids, cleaning a house, and keeping our finances in order. It definitely didnt seem as glamorous as getting certified as a nutrition coach, traveling to Greece, or being promoted.

But yesterday I attended Jordan's 4 month checkup with Dr Goates. (A little background on this doctor--hes in our stake--actually, in our neighborhood. He recently served as the high councilor over primary until he got called as a YSA bishop and Matt replaced him. We have a good relationship and I love having him as our doc. The kids love him and are comfortable with him, too). When Dr Goates finished checking Jordan out, he asked about how I was doing (since he knew I had postpartum for several weeks after Jordan's birth...) I told him I was doing way better. He told me I looked happier and looked great. He then proceeded to tell me how important my job was as a mom. He said there isn't another job out there of more importance. He said if his wife could be the president of the United states or be a mom, he would hope she'd choose to be a stay at home mom. He proceeded to tell me how badly the youth need someone constant and steady in their lives--who is always home ready to listen or give advice. He shared with me a study his wife did when she was a yw president. The results found that the young women who struggled the most happened to be the ones without a stay at home mom, or ones who didnt get enough quality time with their parents.

His words were so comforting and reassuring to me. It was almost like God had told Dr Goates exactly how I had been feeling--unsure of myself and doubting what I was doing was good enough. I know Goates felt inspired to share those words with me. I know that every life has its stages, and I'm only on this one for so long. Soon my kids will all be grown, moved out, or want nothing to do with me. I'll be an empty nester before I know it, and I know I will regret it if I dont soak it all up now. I hope to cherish my time with them more-- to not wish for time to go by faster. Sometimes, parenting and momming it can be so hard. Some days I want to escape. But I also know I'm doing my best. I hope I'm not screwing my kids up 😂. 

I hope they know I have a testimony of those gospel. I hope they develop strong testimonies of their own and remain strong in the church. I hope my kids can be the answers to others' prayers. I hope my kids can find their purpose and fulfill their roles in gathering Israel. I hope they know they are loved by me and Matt, and by Heavenly parents. I hope my kids are kind, responsible, respectful, and hard workers. I hope I can remember this for myself. I am doing what I came here to do, and there's nothing else that compares to that kind of work. 

Avery

Last night after sending the kids upstairs to bed I felt to grab Avery and tell her how special she is. I told her she was so important to me and our family, and I'm so grateful shes in it. I told her how much I love being her mom, watching her dance, her dimples and big blue eyes, and how kind she is. I told her how I love being with her playing school and library, and hearing her laugh. I told her I love watching her learn and grow, her homemade cards and pictures she makes me, and her smile. As she looked at me with those piercing beautiful blue eyes, she began tearing up and gave me the biggest and sweetest hug. I'm not sure why I felt prompted to do this, or even if it made a difference, but I loved the feeling we enjoyed together. I held her in my lap for a few more minutes. It was a truly peaceful and joyful experience. I love this sweet angel Avery.

My friend, Bri

My friend Brianne has had a really rough couple of years.  She has experienced trial after trial after trial. Most recently she lost her brother in law. After reading a message from President Nelson on Instagram, I felt impressed to pray about how I could specifically help her rather than offering her the "thoughts and prayers " I usually send. 

After a few days, my thoughts were drawn towards her brother in laws obituary and I had the impression that I should attend his funeral. I messaged a few friends of ours and now we are all planning on going this week. I know it will mean a lot to her to see us there. I hope to hug her and offer her emotional support. I hope to cry with her and hope she knows how much shes been on my mind. I hope to offer my love and share my hope with her. I know she has since been angry with God and left the church. Today during my scripture study, a thought came to my mind to write her a card and share my testimony on it. I dont know if it will help, but I hope it does. 

I'm so grateful for these little spiritual impressions. I hope to keep His Spirit with me so I can act on those promptings and help more people. I'm so grateful God has helped me recognize His voice.

Spiritual Impressions

Recently I watched General Conference and have since been re-reading each talk. Many of the messages focused on gathering Israel and our purpose. I had been praying to know what God wanted me to do (but the last time I prayed for that we were impressed to have a baby...so...I was really hoping that wasn't my answer again. haha). Fortunately, my answer wasn't another baby. But I did feel like as a mom, I need to amp up my teaching of the gospel and help them understand their true identity and their purpose. In a world that seems to have corroding values, I worry that my children will lose their way. I want them to know that I have a testimony. I know that they will be protected as long as they keep the commandments and trust in God. 

One impression that came to me was that I should record my spiritual revelations and experiences. My revelations and miracles aren't always grand. Oftentimes, they are small and simple-- experiences that most people might brush off as coincidences. 

I doubt I'll recall every experience, but I'm hoping that I'll remember a few and be able to recognize God's hand in my life even more.

Joy in Motherhood, and in Myself

I recently came across a post that Brooke Romney did to help me feel joy in motherhood. I'd like to share that list here so I can reference it when needed.

All the things that make me feel like a successful mother and all the thigs that bring me joy in relationships with my kids:

1. Cooking healthy meals for my family

2. Having a clean house for them to enjoy

3. Playing a card game with my kids

4. Playing catch with Taylor

5. Reading with Jacey

6. Holding my kids

7. Watching Avery dance

8. Watching Cam shoot hoops or show me tricks on the tramp.

9. Cuddling with Jordan

10. Nursing 

11. Laying in Matt's arms at night and talking with him.

12. Teaching my kids the gospel and scriptures from Come Follow Me.

13. Laughing with my family

14. Dance parties in the kitchen

Things that bring me JOY outside of motherhood:

1. Exercising

2. Talking with friends

3. Visiting family

4. Studying scriptures, Gen Conference Talks

5. Reading a good historical fiction book

6. Cooking nutritious food

7. Organizing and decluttering

8. Baking treats for my family

9. Serving a friend/ neighbor in need.

10. Writing

11. Dancing

12. Being outside

13. Playing sports like pickleball, or hiking

14. A clean house

The Miscarriage

I had my first ultrasound for baby #5 when I was 9 weeks. Because of COVID restrictions, I had to go by myself. 

After congratulating me on my pregnancy (because we had tried for almost 8 months), we went to the ultrasound room. I knew immediately something was wrong. I'm not too bright when it comes to reading x-rays or ultrasounds, but I know when something is missing. And my baby was missing.

The room went quiet.

The doctor explained he couldnt find the fetus in the gestational sac. I pretty much stopped hearing anything after that. He talked for a while, saying it could be a miscarriage, or maybe I'm a few weeks earlier than I thought. I knew I wasn't earlier. I had tracked this thing diligently. He talked for a few more minutes, then asked, "Any questions?" 

I sat there.

Numb.

I cried and said, "I just dont understand."

They then took my blood, and had me return 2 days later to get my blood drawn again. Doing this tracks my HCG levels. If they're doubling in number, that's good. If not, it's a miscarriage.

I drove home that night a wreck. Matt was at basketball practice. I messaged him to not linger, that I needed him home ASAP.

He came home and I told him what happened. He held me. I cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Every commercial that night happened to be of a pregnant person, or a new mom holding a newborn. I didn't want to see it. It hurt too much. 

I had told Matt about 2 weeks earlier that I felt too good for being pregnant. I told him, "Either something's wrong, or working out has really been beneficial this time."

We found out later my HCG levels were dropping. It was a miscarriage. I had to return to the OB. He explained my options, and I chose to wait and have the miscarriage happen naturally. It was hard because I wanted it to just be over. It felt like things were being dragged out, and I had to keep reliving everything. I still FELT pregnant, and I still LOOKED pregnant at night. I had gained weight, too. It sucked knowing I was still considered pregnant, but that there was no baby in there.

Fortunately I had told a few close friends: Shaeli, Marianne, and Dyana. Initially I felt foolish for announcing to them so early on. But it ended up being really healing for me to talk it out with them. These ladies were incredible for me to lean on. They cried with me, they checked in on me, they sent me cookies and other gifts, and uplifting messages. They were empathetic. They were there for me when I needed it. 

I didn't feel full closure until talking with Dy late one night where she explained a spiritual experience that she knows these miscarried babies will be ours to raise in the next life. That was something I was really concerned about. I needed to hear that for me to start healing. For some reason, I knew that to be true, but doubted it because I was so early on. The OB had said I likely lost the baby around 6 weeks. Dy has had a few miscarriages herself, and she knew exactly what I was going through. I'm so thankful for her. She's always so in tune. I'm so thankful God gave me a friend like her.

I felt impressed to tell Taylor about this experience. None of the kids knew we were even trying. None of my family knew. But Taylor is smart, and I knew she was concerned with all my "not feeling well" stories, and going to the dr. I couldn't lie to her anymore. She cried with me, and offered me some words of encouragement. She wrote me the sweetest letter. I am so blessed to be her mom. 

The very next day, I found a post on IG from the Church talking about losing a child. It hit home, and again, another impression came to my mind about this experience being for my good-- that I would be able to be more empathetic for people because of this experience. The scripture to Joseph Smith came to my mind: 

D&C 122:7

know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee ^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.