The Bike

Yesterday morning my kids were standing outside with some friends waiting for the bus to arrive. One of the boys, Levi (a first grader), looked down at our lawn and said, "Hey that's my bike! Why is it here?" (He left it at our house the other day, and only lives a few houses down the street.) He shrugged it off and they got on the bus. The bike remained there.

Then this morning the same kids were outside waiting for the bus. Levi (the owner of the bike), looked down again and said, "Hey! Why is my bike still here?"

I asked him, "Did you ever take it back home?"

He responded, "No."

I would have responded with, "Then why would you expect it to have returned to your home when you failed to do anything about it?" But I didn't. He's only 6 after all. 

But it got me thinking. How often do we have dreams, aspirations, or goals that we want, but fail to do anything about? Do we have a goal to get into shape, but fail to eat healthy and exercise? Do we want to have a spiritually strong family, but fail to live the gospel ourselves or teach our children from the Come Follow Me manual? Do we wish for our relationships to improve, but we remain in our comfort zones playing absent-mindedly on our smartphones, ignoring the very faces we love the most sitting right in front of us? 

How often do we want something and expect a result, when we ourselves are unwilling to put in the work? We cannot assume, like Levi, that someone else is going to do it for us. 

As I pondered and reflected on this experience, I thought about how we cannot expect to make it to our Heavenly Father in the Celestial Kingdom without doing the work for it. We must keep the commandments, have charity and faith, stay on the covenant path, attend church, study on our own, attend the temple, minister, teach our family, etc. It's not complicated. It's in fact, very simple. But it takes constant, consistent daily effort.

Spiritual Muscles

The other day before Matt came home from work I needed to move the swingset and the trampoline for the kids. The last time I helped Matt move the trampoline, I remember it being really tricky for me since I had just had a baby 2 months prior and had lost a lot of muscle mass. But I was determined to do it on my own (or maybe I was just too impatient to wait). I lifted the swingset, and shimmied the tramp over just where I needed it. When Matt arrived, the kids were excited to tell him how strong I was. 

It got  me thinking:

The kids know I have been working out each day and eating to fuel my body to help me build muscle. They are excited for me, and I am, too. So while they see my physical strength, are they noticing my spiritual strength? 

I've made a goal to read the Book of Mormon again (1 chapter a day), and a General Conference talk each day, on top of my study of the Old Testament. Since doing this for three weeks, I've definitely noticed a difference in my spirituality. I feel better, and I recognize promptings better, too. 

Do I emphasize spirituality as much as I do physical health? I dont know, but it's something for me to ponder on and help me be better. 

Revelation through my Doctor

Isn't it funny how God uses people to answer our prayers? Yesterday I gained an answer, or at least some peace, with something that's been on my mind.

A few weeks ago I wrote on this blog about impressions from General Conference. Leading up to it, I had been praying to find my purpose. To be completely transparent, I had become so caught up in comparing myself to my friends and those around me who have careers or incredible hobbies. I felt like they were really living life and doing amazing at it, and what was I doing? Just taking care of kids, cleaning a house, and keeping our finances in order. It definitely didnt seem as glamorous as getting certified as a nutrition coach, traveling to Greece, or being promoted.

But yesterday I attended Jordan's 4 month checkup with Dr Goates. (A little background on this doctor--hes in our stake--actually, in our neighborhood. He recently served as the high councilor over primary until he got called as a YSA bishop and Matt replaced him. We have a good relationship and I love having him as our doc. The kids love him and are comfortable with him, too). When Dr Goates finished checking Jordan out, he asked about how I was doing (since he knew I had postpartum for several weeks after Jordan's birth...) I told him I was doing way better. He told me I looked happier and looked great. He then proceeded to tell me how important my job was as a mom. He said there isn't another job out there of more importance. He said if his wife could be the president of the United states or be a mom, he would hope she'd choose to be a stay at home mom. He proceeded to tell me how badly the youth need someone constant and steady in their lives--who is always home ready to listen or give advice. He shared with me a study his wife did when she was a yw president. The results found that the young women who struggled the most happened to be the ones without a stay at home mom, or ones who didnt get enough quality time with their parents.

His words were so comforting and reassuring to me. It was almost like God had told Dr Goates exactly how I had been feeling--unsure of myself and doubting what I was doing was good enough. I know Goates felt inspired to share those words with me. I know that every life has its stages, and I'm only on this one for so long. Soon my kids will all be grown, moved out, or want nothing to do with me. I'll be an empty nester before I know it, and I know I will regret it if I dont soak it all up now. I hope to cherish my time with them more-- to not wish for time to go by faster. Sometimes, parenting and momming it can be so hard. Some days I want to escape. But I also know I'm doing my best. I hope I'm not screwing my kids up 😂. 

I hope they know I have a testimony of those gospel. I hope they develop strong testimonies of their own and remain strong in the church. I hope my kids can be the answers to others' prayers. I hope my kids can find their purpose and fulfill their roles in gathering Israel. I hope they know they are loved by me and Matt, and by Heavenly parents. I hope my kids are kind, responsible, respectful, and hard workers. I hope I can remember this for myself. I am doing what I came here to do, and there's nothing else that compares to that kind of work. 

Avery

Last night after sending the kids upstairs to bed I felt to grab Avery and tell her how special she is. I told her she was so important to me and our family, and I'm so grateful shes in it. I told her how much I love being her mom, watching her dance, her dimples and big blue eyes, and how kind she is. I told her how I love being with her playing school and library, and hearing her laugh. I told her I love watching her learn and grow, her homemade cards and pictures she makes me, and her smile. As she looked at me with those piercing beautiful blue eyes, she began tearing up and gave me the biggest and sweetest hug. I'm not sure why I felt prompted to do this, or even if it made a difference, but I loved the feeling we enjoyed together. I held her in my lap for a few more minutes. It was a truly peaceful and joyful experience. I love this sweet angel Avery.

My friend, Bri

My friend Brianne has had a really rough couple of years.  She has experienced trial after trial after trial. Most recently she lost her brother in law. After reading a message from President Nelson on Instagram, I felt impressed to pray about how I could specifically help her rather than offering her the "thoughts and prayers " I usually send. 

After a few days, my thoughts were drawn towards her brother in laws obituary and I had the impression that I should attend his funeral. I messaged a few friends of ours and now we are all planning on going this week. I know it will mean a lot to her to see us there. I hope to hug her and offer her emotional support. I hope to cry with her and hope she knows how much shes been on my mind. I hope to offer my love and share my hope with her. I know she has since been angry with God and left the church. Today during my scripture study, a thought came to my mind to write her a card and share my testimony on it. I dont know if it will help, but I hope it does. 

I'm so grateful for these little spiritual impressions. I hope to keep His Spirit with me so I can act on those promptings and help more people. I'm so grateful God has helped me recognize His voice.

Spiritual Impressions

Recently I watched General Conference and have since been re-reading each talk. Many of the messages focused on gathering Israel and our purpose. I had been praying to know what God wanted me to do (but the last time I prayed for that we were impressed to have a baby...so...I was really hoping that wasn't my answer again. haha). Fortunately, my answer wasn't another baby. But I did feel like as a mom, I need to amp up my teaching of the gospel and help them understand their true identity and their purpose. In a world that seems to have corroding values, I worry that my children will lose their way. I want them to know that I have a testimony. I know that they will be protected as long as they keep the commandments and trust in God. 

One impression that came to me was that I should record my spiritual revelations and experiences. My revelations and miracles aren't always grand. Oftentimes, they are small and simple-- experiences that most people might brush off as coincidences. 

I doubt I'll recall every experience, but I'm hoping that I'll remember a few and be able to recognize God's hand in my life even more.

Joy in Motherhood, and in Myself

I recently came across a post that Brooke Romney did to help me feel joy in motherhood. I'd like to share that list here so I can reference it when needed.

All the things that make me feel like a successful mother and all the thigs that bring me joy in relationships with my kids:

1. Cooking healthy meals for my family

2. Having a clean house for them to enjoy

3. Playing a card game with my kids

4. Playing catch with Taylor

5. Reading with Jacey

6. Holding my kids

7. Watching Avery dance

8. Watching Cam shoot hoops or show me tricks on the tramp.

9. Cuddling with Jordan

10. Nursing 

11. Laying in Matt's arms at night and talking with him.

12. Teaching my kids the gospel and scriptures from Come Follow Me.

13. Laughing with my family

14. Dance parties in the kitchen

Things that bring me JOY outside of motherhood:

1. Exercising

2. Talking with friends

3. Visiting family

4. Studying scriptures, Gen Conference Talks

5. Reading a good historical fiction book

6. Cooking nutritious food

7. Organizing and decluttering

8. Baking treats for my family

9. Serving a friend/ neighbor in need.

10. Writing

11. Dancing

12. Being outside

13. Playing sports like pickleball, or hiking

14. A clean house

The Miscarriage

I had my first ultrasound for baby #5 when I was 9 weeks. Because of COVID restrictions, I had to go by myself. 

After congratulating me on my pregnancy (because we had tried for almost 8 months), we went to the ultrasound room. I knew immediately something was wrong. I'm not too bright when it comes to reading x-rays or ultrasounds, but I know when something is missing. And my baby was missing.

The room went quiet.

The doctor explained he couldnt find the fetus in the gestational sac. I pretty much stopped hearing anything after that. He talked for a while, saying it could be a miscarriage, or maybe I'm a few weeks earlier than I thought. I knew I wasn't earlier. I had tracked this thing diligently. He talked for a few more minutes, then asked, "Any questions?" 

I sat there.

Numb.

I cried and said, "I just dont understand."

They then took my blood, and had me return 2 days later to get my blood drawn again. Doing this tracks my HCG levels. If they're doubling in number, that's good. If not, it's a miscarriage.

I drove home that night a wreck. Matt was at basketball practice. I messaged him to not linger, that I needed him home ASAP.

He came home and I told him what happened. He held me. I cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Every commercial that night happened to be of a pregnant person, or a new mom holding a newborn. I didn't want to see it. It hurt too much. 

I had told Matt about 2 weeks earlier that I felt too good for being pregnant. I told him, "Either something's wrong, or working out has really been beneficial this time."

We found out later my HCG levels were dropping. It was a miscarriage. I had to return to the OB. He explained my options, and I chose to wait and have the miscarriage happen naturally. It was hard because I wanted it to just be over. It felt like things were being dragged out, and I had to keep reliving everything. I still FELT pregnant, and I still LOOKED pregnant at night. I had gained weight, too. It sucked knowing I was still considered pregnant, but that there was no baby in there.

Fortunately I had told a few close friends: Shaeli, Marianne, and Dyana. Initially I felt foolish for announcing to them so early on. But it ended up being really healing for me to talk it out with them. These ladies were incredible for me to lean on. They cried with me, they checked in on me, they sent me cookies and other gifts, and uplifting messages. They were empathetic. They were there for me when I needed it. 

I didn't feel full closure until talking with Dy late one night where she explained a spiritual experience that she knows these miscarried babies will be ours to raise in the next life. That was something I was really concerned about. I needed to hear that for me to start healing. For some reason, I knew that to be true, but doubted it because I was so early on. The OB had said I likely lost the baby around 6 weeks. Dy has had a few miscarriages herself, and she knew exactly what I was going through. I'm so thankful for her. She's always so in tune. I'm so thankful God gave me a friend like her.

I felt impressed to tell Taylor about this experience. None of the kids knew we were even trying. None of my family knew. But Taylor is smart, and I knew she was concerned with all my "not feeling well" stories, and going to the dr. I couldn't lie to her anymore. She cried with me, and offered me some words of encouragement. She wrote me the sweetest letter. I am so blessed to be her mom. 

The very next day, I found a post on IG from the Church talking about losing a child. It hit home, and again, another impression came to my mind about this experience being for my good-- that I would be able to be more empathetic for people because of this experience. The scripture to Joseph Smith came to my mind: 

D&C 122:7

know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee ^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

A Place of Belonging

My daughter asked me this morning how many years I've been serving in young women's. It made me reflect back to about 15 years ago right after Matt and I got married and attended the Logan 19th Family ward. As I sat in sacrament meeting sustaining all the newly-called young women leaders, I longed for the opportunity to serve in young women's myself. It looked like so much fun! I served in various callings like primary, the enrichment committee, and sports specialist. And I wondered, "Where is my place of belonging?" 

About three years later in 2008 Matt and I moved to Tooele, Utah. After about one year of serving in the Relief Society Presidency, I was called as the Young Women president of the Tooele 7th Ward. I was so excited to finally be in young women's. It was going to be so much fun... Until I learned how Young Women's really is. Yes, it's fun, but it also has a lot of low's. It's more than just a roller coaster-- It's more like a pregnant mom riding a roller coaster with a bunch of angels and two-year-olds throwing tantrums with everybody judging your every move from the line at the ticket counter. And that's not exaggerating. Ask anyone who has ever served as the president in Young Women's before and they'll laugh and reluctantly agree that that's how it feels. 

That was the beginning of my time as an adult in the young women's program. Since then I have served as a Mia Maid (14 year old) adviser, Young Women Sports Specialist, Stake Young Women's President, and now again as the ward Young Women president. Altogether I've spent 10 years of my married life serving in Young Women's. It seems like I can't escape this calling, and I have to wonder, "Is this my place of belonging?"

In 2012 when we moved to another home in Tooele, my bishop at the time (Bishop Dalton) told me as I was venting how hard it was serving in that calling, "Sister Southam, you are meant to serve in Young Women's. You will always find yourself in that calling." At the time I just laughed. I didn't know if his words were meant to be a blessing or a curse, but I didn't pay any attention to it. 

Until now.

This is my place. I love young women's. It holds a special place in my heart because it is where I developed my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I still remember sitting around the glowing campfire in the cold dark of the night surrounded by countless young women and leaders from the Hidden Valley 2nd Ward at Girls Camp. It was testimony meeting, and it had been going on for a while, and was about to be adjourned. Almost everyone had born her testimony. Everyone but me (or so it felt). But I was young, and scared to speak up, and didn't know how strong my testimony was. I had never born one before, and didn't know how to properly do it. (Sure, I had watched members of my ward every Fast Sunday get up and sob and tell a long story and then sit down, but I didn't have a story to tell.). 

I had a desire to bear a testimony, and my Heavenly Father knew that. In the dead silence, with the sound of a crackling fire about to go out, my mouth began moving, and everyone looked at me. There were words spewing from my mouth and it was my voice. By the time I recognized I was bearing my testimony, I decided to take over. To this day, I cannot explain fully what happened. All I know, is the Spirit was so strong that night. The Holy Ghost literally took over my body and bore testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I cannot, and will not EVER deny that it was the Holy Ghost that night. I will never forget that feeling.

That feeling is something I want all of the young women I work with to be able to feel. To feel of God's love for them. To feel valued. To feel known--understood. To feel pure happiness. To feel hopeful. Yet sometimes, serving in young women's has a way of making you feel helpless. I can only do so much. I love the girls, and I try to show them that. What I've realized recently, is that ultimately, they have to WANT to be helped, too. 

Lately in our ward, we've lost a lot of girls. The COVID-19 pandemic shut us all down--from weekly church meetings to our mutual activities. In the months that we were shut down, we lost girls. They fell into some bad habits, and are complacent with where they're at. It's been a real struggle to get them to come back--to attend an activity or show up to a virtual Sunday Young Women lesson. 

But I can't completely blame them. In fact, the more I've served this time around, the more I've noticed how much stronger Satan is working on them and their families. He knows the power that families and church have for the girls, and he'll do anything he can to prevent them from accessing God's almighty powers. 

Two years ago, the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints started Come Follow Me-- which allows for families to study the scriptures together and build stronger sanctuaries and homes. Last year (2019) the Church implemented a new program called Children and Youth that encourages youth to always grow by setting personal goals in Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual, and Social categories. It is no coincidence that the Church started these programs before the pandemic hit. These inspired programs and resources were given to us to help us during these latter-days, yet for many, it seems like a chore. Many families in our ward have given up on doing these things because they don't have the "time" or are tired of doing all the work. Yet, not coincidentally, those same families are the ones who have young women that are struggling the most. 

The role of the family and parents is vital to young women growing and nurturing their testimony. Without them, we young women leaders can only do so much. If the parents don't value young women's, why would their daughters?

As I was walking home from ward council a few weeks back, our Ward Mission Leader (who has two girls in young women's) stopped me. He told me he felt bad for me because out of all the times serving with the youth, now is the hardest. Varieties of communication have been enhanced, but actual communicating seems to have diminished. He apologized to me for the lack of support he and his wife have been in not getting their young women to activities and lessons. He said they had sustained me when I got called, and they were recommitted to doing that by encouraging their daughters to be there.

That was a real "aha" lightbulb moment for me. Parents! Parents are the key! What parent doesn't want their child to grow in the gospel and to be successful in life? Young women's does that! We help them gain leadership skills, plan and carry out activities, research and teach lessons, gather Israel, work hard, and love/serve others. Who wouldn't want that!? 

As I reflected on that thought, this section from The Family-A Proclamation to the World came to mind:

"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

Young Women's is a SUPPORT to families by helping them meet the spiritual needs of their daughters. So why are parents NOT utilizing us?

For me personally, I know I can use all the help I can get. I wish I could help parents/ families see that for themselves. 

Now, I get it. As a parent, you can only do so much. Ultimately, your kid has their own agency. But as parents, we can also encourage and guide our kids to attending young women's.

Earlier I mentioned how Young Women's has become my place of belonging. The wonderful thing about it, is any young woman can feel that through coming to Young Women's activities/ lessons. At school, you can choose to be a part of a club, or team, but I can guarantee you they won't have a lifelong impact on you like Young Women's does. 

Young Women's is a place where daughters of God can feel wanted, loved, and needed. It is a place where they can develop various skills and talents, and nurture deep bonds of friendship with peers and  leaders. It is a place where they can come unto Christ and be perfected in Him. What better place could you hope for your kids to belong to?

Mother of the Year Goes to.... Not Me

Every morning I go to the gym to exercise. I love it because I have a lot of friends there (it's my adult interaction for the day...hahah...but seriously...), endorphins are released, I feel powerful and strong....etc. Fast forward to about 10 minutes after I arrive home.

Kids are fighting over who grabbed the box of cereal first.

Tears are rolling down cheeks from, "Cameron looked at me in a mean way."

Fights are breaking out between who has to be the flippin' monkey in the middle...

You get the idea.

So pretty much all the good I do at 5:30 in the wee early morning hours gets completely undone. (Perhaps I should schedule my workouts to after the kids leave for school instead?)

Anyway, today was no different. The kids actually all got ready on their own really well without any fights. They had a good 20 minutes to kill before we had to leave for school. They decided to play a game (but not the blasted Monkey in the Middle game...No! No! I banned that game [and 'jinx'] from this house for a good week because I was so sick of all the fights and tears. No, this game had Cameron sketching his sisters on a digital notepad. Jacey apparently didn't like how she looked, so she asked him to stop. I was in the bathroom and overheard her ask politely at least three more times. He kept laughing (pretty typical for Cam), and when Jacey said she was going to tell mom, Taylor replied, "Fine, go tattle tale AGAIN!"

Ugh.

Jacey ran to the couch in tears.

I lost it.

I was hoping they could work it all out on their own. But obviously not.

I was RAGING.

What makes them think it's funny to annoy someone, or to tease, or to laugh at someone when they obviously are hurting?

I was livid with both Cam and Taylor.

And then since I was already pissed at everyone, I got mad at Jacey for being so overly sensitive. "So WHAT if he draws a stupid picture? It doesn't mean it's YOU!"

By this point, the three older kids are in tears, and we are kneeling down ready to pray.

Not my most proud parenting moment.

Anyway, Jacey said the prayer, and in there she said, "Help us to be more like Jesus." It's a common phrase we all use while praying. So when she closed, I asked the kids, "Do you mean that? Do you REALLY want to be more like Jesus? It takes a lot of effort on our part....not just praying for it."

Then on the way to school, we typically recite scriptures. I was in no mood for scriptures. But when we finally got around to it, Taylor recited, "Repent ye for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." I exclaimed, "Oh BOY how we NEED to do that after this morning!" (I dont know that any of them got it).

Before they got out of the car, I wanted them to be in somewhat of a better mood. So I apologized to them for yelling at them, but I also told them that I didn't apologize for disciplining them to which Taylor replied, "We don't blame you." hahahahha

My kids probably think I'm the worst mom. And honesty, sometimes I really feel like I'm doing them a disservice and that I really am a horrible mom.  I try not to listen to those thoughts, though. I usually call my mom and dad, vent to them, make them laugh, and then they praise me and remind me that I'm doing fine.

I hope so.